The All New Joke Thread

[emerald green]

whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea




Ive never had lentil in my mouth!

 

[Doc Shrink]

 

[hibbybilly]

whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea




Ive never had lentil in my mouth!

Gary Locke has ?

 

[Westside Green]

whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea




Ive never had lentil in my mouth!

My wife says I'm sadder than you for laughing

 

[Doc Shrink]

So. a bit before lockdown I’m in the pub telling my mate the old joke (older than Billy’s jokes)
‘what do you do if an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Chuck your washing in’ .....

Not only old but probably not that acceptable these days.

Anyway, a guy at the next table leans over and says ‘my bruv was an epileptic and he had a fit in the bath, and he died’.

I wanted the ground to open up. Mortified.

“I’m so sorry mate, did he drown” I said with a bit of a ridder.

“Nah. Choked on a sock”

 

[emerald green]

Why does a tampon have string?





So I can floss my teeth after a good meal !





(Apologies tae Bounce Morale Officers @hibbybilly and @Sir Shrink for lowering your good work on the thread )

 

[Greenmachine]

My favourite composer is Handel.

He later met Hinge and Bracket and formed The Doors.

 

[Braehead Cabbage]

What do you call a dog with no tongue?
Smelly baws

 

[hibbybilly]

?

 

[Greenmachine]

What do you call a chinese man with a mouse in his mouth ?

Mousey Tongue.

 

[Greenmachine]

I just fell into my 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today...
Doctors have said that I should be ok but I am
not out of the woods yet...

 

[HaarlemShuffler]

I just fell into my 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today...
Doctors have said that I should be ok but I am
not out of the woods yet...

At least you got some irons in the fire... so don't get shafted....

...getting coat already...

 

[Greenmachine]

At least you got some irons in the fire... so don't get shafted....

...getting coat already...

That's all just par for the course with me...

 

[WJC1848]

That's all just par for the course with me...

Yes - that's you to a tee.

 

[HaarlemShuffler]

Yes - that's you to a tee.

Just remember not to panic in that pro shop. But if you do, get a grip!

 

[barney]

" Just remember not to panic in that pro shop. But if you do, get a grip! "
" Yes - that's you to a tee. "
" That's all just par for the course with me... "
" At least you got some irons in the fire... so don't get shafted.... "

The Fore worst puns ever?

 

[WJC1848]

" Just remember not to panic in that pro shop. But if you do, get a grip! "
" Yes - that's you to a tee. "
" That's all just par for the course with me... "
" At least you got some irons in the fire... so don't get shafted.... "

The Fore worst puns ever?

Oh, hey - these are hard to pin down!

 

[Ifield Hibee]

I just fell into my 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today...
Doctors have said that I should be ok but I am
not out of the woods yet...

Sorry To hear that you are not out of the woods yet, you still got a fairway to go? ?

 

[Hattie]

This thread is driving me nuts ?

 

[Doc Shrink]

This thread is driving me nuts ?

Off your trolley?

 

[HaarlemShuffler]

I wrote a wee song about three easy putts I made...















Gimme Gimme Gimme

 

[hibbybilly]

I just fell into my 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today...
Doctors have said that I should be ok but I am
not out of the woods yet...

Did yi have tae putt them all back?

 

[Greenmachine]

Did yi have tae putt them all back?

Had to pay for the ones I had broken...cost me a fair wedge.

 

[hibbybilly]

Had to pay for the ones I had broken...cost me a fair wedge.

Must have made a hole in one s wallet.

 

[West Lothian Hibee]

A man is washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Theresa May. That evening, the man brought Theresa to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Theresa and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Theresa batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him? He said “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
??????

 

[hibbybilly]

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in
the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an
old Indian sitting in the corner.
He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a
wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the bloke. "That's the Memory Man." said
the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try
him out."
So the bloke goes over thinking "He won't know about English football."
"Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' he asks.
"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?" "Leeds" was the reply. "And the score?"
"2-1"
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St. John" was the old man's reply.
The Englishman was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man.

Many years later he went back to the USA and tried to find
the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.
Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to speak to the Indian in his
native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting "How"
The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box"

 

[sockyboy]

Mummy Balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon all slept in the same bed.
One day Daddy balloon decided that baby balloon was getting too big and the bed was overcrowded.He told baby it was time to sleep in his own bed and he reluctantly agreed.
However during the night he got lonely and decided to get back in his parents bed.
He tried but couldn't get in so he untied his mummy's knot let some air out and tried to get in.No luck.
So he untied his daddy's knot let some air out and tried to get in.No luck.
So he untied his own knot, let some air out and tried to get into bed.Success!
Next morning his daddy wakes up and realises baby balloon is in their bed again.
Annoyed, he tells baby balloon ' You've let your mummy down, you've let me down and most of all you've let yourself down! '

My favourite ever joke. I genuinely can't tell it to anyone without breaking down in laughter as I get to the end.

 

[Scoobie]

Everybody laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
They’re not laughing now.

 

[Doc Shrink]

Everybody laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
They’re not laughing now.

Bob Monkhouse classic.

 

[Scoobie]

I spoke to Jimmy Carr about this (yup, honest), and he said it wasn’t Bob’s joke. Bob ‘nicked’ it from a Forces Radio entertainment show, which he knew a lot of regular people wouldn’t normally listen to. He said Bob did that a lot and wasn’t particularly well-liked in entertainment circles.

 

[Scoobie]

Old pals.

 

[Doc Shrink]

Old pals. View attachment 3558

Which one is you?

I can’t stand Alan Carr - no idea how he gets tv time unless it’s just to keep a box ticked.


The ‘unfunny gay fat boy with specs’ box.

Is it you or Alan that looks a bit like Jimmy?

 

[Scoobie]

Yeah, sorry, I always get that wrong. It was indeed Jimmy Carr.

 

[Greenmachine]

I had to see the doctor about my worrying condition of having to drink daily a flagon of wine, a barrel of beer, and two or three cocktails every country I visit........he consulted with his medical colleagues and assessed me as a border line alcoholic.

 

[hibbybilly]

Just seen a guy in Morrisons wi 5 cases of San Miguel, 4 cases of Mahou, 10 Paella’s and 5 packs of Chorizo. I think Hispanic buying.

 

[Scoobie]

We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting with him and found out he’s actually a British Airways pilot doing some extra work while on furlough.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

 

[Scoobie]

Are snails faster without their shells? No, they’re more sluggish.

 

[greencol]

Jesus, Scoobie.
I was going to welcome you back, but......
You're after Hibbybillys crown I reckon.

 

[HaarlemShuffler]

Watchin the Scotland game the other week in a dire 0-0 that was quite simply criminal to watch.

Desperately needed a gaol.

 

[Zab]

You’re Scottish when you go into the bathroom, and you’re Scottish when you come back out. But while you’re in there, well, European....