I ran into the living room earlier and said to the wife “ get in the toilet and see that shite I’ve done it’s massive “
“Dirty bastard” she replied
I said “well at least get in and guard it I’m going for a tape measure and I reckon it weighs 2lb , I swear it’s a world record”
When I got back up stairs she said “ I think one of the grandsons must’ve flushed it, thank fuck, as it’s not in the bowl”
I said “ I know! It’s on the scales “
A teacher in Tynecastle High School explains to her class that she is a Hearts fan. She asks her pupils to raise their hands if they are Hearts fans too. Whilst not really knowing what a Hearts fan was but wanting to be just like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A little girl named Lucy does not go along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Hearts fan." "Then", asks the teacher, "what are you? "Why I'm proud to be a Hibs fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Hibs fan. "Well, my Mum and Dad are Hibs fans, and I'm a Hibs fan too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly, "what if your Mum was an idiot, and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Hearts fan.
My wife asked me if I wanted a new wall calendar for next year?
I said yes get me one of those special ones you know with tits,fannies n erses oan it
She came back wae a fuckin hertz 2020 wan !
Shamelessly stolen from @hibbybilly ??
Shaggy dog story :
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
Shaolin kung fu monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.