I wrote a wee song about three easy putts I made...
Gimme Gimme Gimme
Gimme Gimme Gimme
The All New Joke Thread
- Thread starter hibbybilly
- Start date
Did yi have tae putt them all back?
Greenmachine
Bounce Radge
Had to pay for the ones I had broken...cost me a fair wedge.
Must have made a hole in one s wallet.
West Lothian Hibee
Bounce Radge
A man is washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Theresa May. That evening, the man brought Theresa to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Theresa and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Theresa batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him? He said “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Theresa May. That evening, the man brought Theresa to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Theresa and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Theresa batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him? He said “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in
the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an
old Indian sitting in the corner.
He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a
wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the bloke. "That's the Memory Man." said
the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try
him out."
So the bloke goes over thinking "He won't know about English football."
"Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' he asks.
"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?" "Leeds" was the reply. "And the score?"
"2-1"
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St. John" was the old man's reply.
The Englishman was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man.
Many years later he went back to the USA and tried to find
the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.
Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to speak to the Indian in his
native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting "How"
The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box"
the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an
old Indian sitting in the corner.
He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a
wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the bloke. "That's the Memory Man." said
the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try
him out."
So the bloke goes over thinking "He won't know about English football."
"Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' he asks.
"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?" "Leeds" was the reply. "And the score?"
"2-1"
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St. John" was the old man's reply.
The Englishman was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man.
Many years later he went back to the USA and tried to find
the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.
Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to speak to the Indian in his
native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting "How"
The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box"
sockyboy
Bounce Radge
My favourite ever joke. I genuinely can't tell it to anyone without breaking down in laughter as I get to the end.
Bob Monkhouse classic.
I spoke to Jimmy Carr about this (yup, honest), and he said it wasn’t Bob’s joke. Bob ‘nicked’ it from a Forces Radio entertainment show, which he knew a lot of regular people wouldn’t normally listen to. He said Bob did that a lot and wasn’t particularly well-liked in entertainment circles.
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Which one is you?
I can’t stand Alan Carr - no idea how he gets tv time unless it’s just to keep a box ticked.
The ‘unfunny gay fat boy with specs’ box.
Is it you or Alan that looks a bit like Jimmy?
Greenmachine
Bounce Radge
I had to see the doctor about my worrying condition of having to drink daily a flagon of wine, a barrel of beer, and two or three cocktails every country I visit........he consulted with his medical colleagues and assessed me as a border line alcoholic.
Just seen a guy in Morrisons wi 5 cases of San Miguel, 4 cases of Mahou, 10 Paella’s and 5 packs of Chorizo. I think Hispanic buying.
Watchin the Scotland game the other week in a dire 0-0 that was quite simply criminal to watch.
Desperately needed a gaol.
Desperately needed a gaol.
