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The All New Joke Thread

I've got a date next week with a woman who identifies as a wheely bin.

Not sure whether I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.
 
I've got a date next week with a woman who identifies as a wheely bin.

Not sure whether I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.
That's a rubbish joke
 
My Mother in law was admitted to hospital today with chronic Hay fever . Being the dutiful son in law that I am , I sent her the biggest bunch of flowers I could find .
 
Anybody remember the joke I posted about my dodgy spine? It was about a weak back.
 
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up and says “I’ll have five beers please”
 
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A: A wonky donkey.

Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
A: A winky wonky donkey.

Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye?
A: A winky wonky dinky donkey.

Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano?
A: A plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.

Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind?
A: A stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.

Q: What do you call a really clever minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind?
A: A thinky stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.

Q: What do you call a really clever minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind that has been attacked by a squid?

A: An inky thinky stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
 
After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.

The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Saturdays I go to the football!
 
- A 15 year old boy was at the center of the Edinburgh sheriff courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and conference with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Heart of Midlothian FC whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
 
What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

A chicken caesar salad
 
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were out one day playing golf with their wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded.

“Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here's £50 go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I can't afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here's £20 go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”

"The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb.

Tidy yerself up a bit.”
 
Massive congratulations to Hugh Zapritti Boyden for being voted chairman of the
Budgerigar Appreciation Society.
 
How are you able to tell which sex an ant is?
Drop it in water.
If it sinks, it's a girl ant
If it floats, it's boy ant
 
What's the quickest way to get your wife's attention?


Look comfortable...
 
Had to go to the Dr this morning, I had to strip off, the doc immediately mentioned that my genitals were perfectly shaped like a
saxophone... I explained that's it's a family thing and we all have genitals shaped like musical instruments.
"That's bizarre!" he said "I've been a GP for 25 years and never seen anything like it. Although I did once see a woman with a vagina like a mouth organ"


I said "that'll be our Monica"
 
Went tae a sushi place up town and got talking to the auld owner. He was a Kamikaze pilot during the war and his code name was Chow Mein. I said tae him that I thought Kamikaze pilots sacrificed their own lives. He said they did but he was a chicken Chow Mein.
 
Haven't read this whole thread so if this is already in here I apologise. But it made me laugh.

Two Scotsmen go to Hell

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Scots? Their kind are normally very friendly, helpful and honest, so we do not see many such men in my dark domain... Hang them in a cage over the lake of fire for now and I shall check on them later."

But when the devil flew up to the cage to check on the Scotsmen, he found them happily lounging around with their shirts off.

"What is the meaning of this?" The devil cried. "You're supposed to be in torment!"

The Scots looked surprised "Naw" they said "it's pure quality taps aff weather here man. It's no drab an' dreich like Scotland, you know that way?"

Fuming, the devil flew to the great thermostat of Hell and cranked it all the way to the top. And the next day, the temperature was so high that even the demons were sweating, the stones of hell were melting and the flames from the lake of fire were leaping higher than ever before.

So the devil was surprised when he visited the Scotsmen and found that they had somehow procured plastic lawn furniture and beer.

Raising a glass to the devil, one of the Scotsmen said "Hey big man! If I'd known it was so lovely an warm doon here, I'd have done a whole lot more sinning! Weather's always shite in Scotland. Always freezin' ma nuts off, you know?"

"I see." The devil replied, smiling though clenched teeth "your dismal country has given you a great love of heat. The hotter it is, the happier you are. Well, we'll see about that."

So saying, he flew to the great thermostat of Hell once more, but this time, he turned it all the way down.

The next day, the lake of fire was frozen solid for the first time, sinners were frozen in blocks of ice and demons huddled in corners for warmth, their teeth chattering.

But when the devil visited the Scotsmen, he found them jumping for joy, tearfully cheering " SCOTLAND!!! SCOTLAND!!!"

The devil's jaw dropped. "What? Why? How? I burn you and you are happy! I freeze you and you celebrate! What is wrong with you?"

One of Scots turned back and said "Is it no feckin' obvious ye daft bastart? Hell's frozen over! Scotland's won the world cup!
"
 
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it but it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all used to drink together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

Just after New Years Day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me ... I'm doing Dry January".
 
Star trek star william shatner has shelved plans for a womens underwear brand. Advisors don't think shatner pants would work



I know
 
Went tae a sushi place up town and got talking to the auld owner. He was a Kamikaze pilot during the war and his code name was Chow Mein. I said tae him that I thought Kamikaze pilots sacrificed their own lives. He said they did but he was a chicken Chow Mein.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw!


Three men go to stay in a ski lodge and because of overbooking they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night the guy on the right wakes up and says "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job". The guy on the left cries out "I don't believe it, I had the very same dream of getting a hand job". The guy in the middle is also awake and says "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing".
 
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Bumped intae an auld mate yesterday who has lost an arm in a work accident. I asked him where he was going and he telt me he's gonni change a light bulb he got for the light in his bedroom. I said that will be a bit difficult wid it not? He said naw, I've still got the receipt.
 
Bumped intae an auld mate yesterday who has lost an arm in a work accident. I asked him where he was going and he telt me he's gonni change a light bulb he got for the light in his bedroom. I said that will be a bit difficult wid it not? He said naw, I've still got the receipt.
Nooooooooo
 
Here Billy. Here's a couple of lads to rival you.....



 
 
Hey Luigi, howa you doing? I no see you in ages, where the fucka you been?
Hey Mario I a no bad now, I beena ina jail.
Luigi whya you ina jail?
Mario, I gota the jail for lying ona beach.
Luigi, whya you geta ina jail just a for lying ona beach?
Well Luigi, this beach, this beach was screaming GETA THE FUCK OFFA ME.
 
Woman goes to visit her husband in hospital.
Asks "how are you doing ?"...how are they treating you in here ?"
Husband answers...."really well....apart from the TV shows they have on.....every day it's always the same type of thing....usually a John Wayne movie or Gene Autry, or Clint Eastwood the man with no name riding into town etc.
They had "The Searchers" on, then "Gunsmoke", then Shane" all one after the other a couple of days ago."
Wife answers..."well, you are in the Western".
 
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Always remember the one my dad used to tell.

What's blue and doesn't stop at train stations?


Thomas the bastard!
 
What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit.
 
Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few beers. First one says

"You know something? I think I'm the tallest guy in the world. Look at me. I could've played basketball. I tower over everyone. Fuck it, I'm taking a pic beside a height chart and sending to the Guinness book of records."

Second guy says "well I'm the fastest guy in the world. I outrun everyone easily. Could've been a sprint but couldn't be bothered. I'm going to record a video of me running the 100 and send it to Guinness as well. I deserve my recognition"

3rd guy pipes up. "well, I reckon I've got the smallest knob in the world. I mean, not exactly a proud thing but it does the damage, it's a grower when it needs to be. I'm comfortable enough. I'm sending a pic as well"

Couple weeks pass and the guys are in the pub again, letters from Guinness in hand.

First guy opens his. "YAAASSSSS. Tallest in the world. Knew it! I'm in the book!"

Second guy opens his. "GET IN THERE. Officially the fastest man in the world! Never in doubt!"

Third guy opens his letter and jumps up. "WHO THE FUCK IS CRAIG LEVEIN???!"

😂😂😂
 
Guy goes into a bar and see Vincent Van Gogh sitting there.
He can't believe it.
"Oi Vincent....I cannae believe it's you...do you fancy a pint ?"
Vincent replies...."it's ok, i've got one ear"
 
Turns out the best German sausage is the wurst!
 
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge ta-tas out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first."
 
A burd sneezes at a party and her glass eye pops oot but a guy catches it and gives her it back. They get talking and he ends up at hers and they have great sex all night. Eating breakfast and he asks her if she shags every bloke she meets on the first night.
She says 'no, just the ones that catch my eye.'
 
A burd sneezes at a party and her glass eye pops oot but a guy catches it and gives her it back. They get talking and he ends up at hers and they have great sex all night. Eating breakfast and he asks her if she shags every bloke she meets on the first night.
She says 'no, just the ones that catch my eye.'

You've gone a bit off topic there.
 
Courtesy of Viz. I proper lol'd at this.

FB_IMG_1708080760586.jpg
 
I'm a bit late with this.

A young man was looking very sober in the Windsor the other night so I asked if he was OK.

He told me that he's had a bad year so far. For the first time that he could remember he had received no Valentines card. Ach, that's not the end of the world I said. Yeah, he said, that and I was just getting over my granny passing away a few weeks ago.
 
FB_IMG_1707389427538.jpg
 
Chinese man with a mouse in his mouth.....Mousey tongue.
 
Chinese man with a mouse in his mouth.....Mousey tongue.
Shouldn't make fun of Moaty's pin ups.
 
Here's a new one for your repertoire Billy. Actually made me chuckle.....

View attachment VID_20240313_170414_395.mp4
 
I was caught stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
 

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