Last week, something strange happened to me. Even though nothing in my life had changed—it was still
Groundhog Day, every day—I was suddenly flattened by exhaustion and fear. The best way I can describe it is that I wanted to jump out of my skin while simultaneously taking a two-week nap.
At first I thought it was just me.
But as I spoke to more people, almost everyone seemed to be hitting the COVID wall at the same time. Social media was awash sentiments like “I’m not sure what I can do to feel good. All my resources are depleted” and “today I told my therapist that the adrenaline I’ve been relying on for the past ten months has run out. He’s been hearing that from every other client this month.”
Journalist Nylah Burton dubbed this moment “the new nadir of the pandemic.” Over the last year, we have dutifully implemented coping tools like
keeping a routine,
staying healthy and connected, and
reducing our anxiety.
But seemingly overnight, these tools aren’t working like they used to.
Our frustration about this can easily give birth to self-criticism. Personally, I noticed I was falling into the
rabbit hole of rumination:
Seriously, what is wrong with me? I’ve made it through almost a yearof this—why can’t I make it through the day?!
And especially right now, judgmental thinking is more dangerous than it seems. Even during “normal” times, research shows that self-criticism
worsens depression and
depletes resilience. So, to get through this final phase of the pandemic (however long it will be), there is one urgent skill we can add to our coping toolkit: self-compassion.
For all intents and purposes,
self-compassion is the opposite of self-criticism.
It means viewing our suffering and shortcomings with understanding and acceptance.
Self-compassion brings several tailor-made benefits for our COVID-related challenges. During stressful events, it deepens our
emotional resilience and
self-worth, and lessens
depression and shame. It helps us
cope with illness. It
buffers the negative impact of trauma and even propels
post-traumatic growth.
How, then, can we increase our self-compassion? Pioneering researcher Kristin Kneff has done incredible work in this space (
her website has several excellent tools). But today,
let’s focus on one practical approach: better monitoring our inner monologue.
To illustrate the power of constructive self-talk—both personally and professionally—my colleague Steven Rogelberg
studied senior executives at the end of a leadership development program. Each person wrote a letter to their future selves about how the experience shaped them. Compared to the self-critical executives,
those who wrote constructive, compassionate notes were less stressed, more motivating as leaders, and better performers at work.
So if you notice that you’re feeling bad about yourself right now—guilty, fearful, or unable to cope**—take notice of whether you’re being self-critical or self-compassionate. If you veer into the judgment zone, try using what I call
“the friend test,” and ask, Would I say what I just said to myself to someone I like and respect?”
Especially in times of stress, we can pull ourselves down without even realizing it.
But the good news is that removing these well-being barriers is completely under our control.
This month, I hope you’ll join me in making a resolution: as the wise author C. JoyBell C. vowed,
“the only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.”
Here’s to loving ourselves for making it this far, and compassionately navigating whatever comes next,
~Tasha
**If you or someone you know is in crisis and needs help: In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifelineor text HOME to 741-741 for free, 24-hour support from the Crisis Text Line. If you’re outside the U.S., visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of resources.
Just a quick reminder about my recently-launched virtual course. If you want to become a more self-aware leader—and therefore more effective and motivating—there's never been a better time to invest in yourself. For more information,
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